The one about Coldplay and glasses of water

What is it you exactly feel, when you go numb? How do you describe the feeling of nothingness? Of course I know we’re made of 99.9% empty space but god damn it, I came too close to that perfect 100%…


Can you be called officially numb if you manage to listen to a whole Coldplay album without shedding a single tear? Or does this maybe mean you feel too much? That much that you have to let go…

Hold a glass of water up for two minutes…Nothing happens. Hold it for two days? Your arms starts to ache, it becomes numb. You can’t move that damn thing you once used so well.

Analogies are my favorite thing ever.

Can’t call things by their real name. I have to use glasses of water and numb arms, to imply some kind of feelings and the way they get you not to function anymore. I’ve come a long way learning how to express what I always kept behind layers of frost, glass, steel and fire all at once. I love to complicate things or maybe that is just my default mode. I had to complicate a simple desire I have. A simple desire everyone has. But are too afraid of saying it out loud.

When I was fifteen I started believing in it. Then as the years passed I thought I had it for some time but around my twenties the idea started to stink. it stunk so badly I thought it was the end of that concept. Then I started to get used to the idea that I have been lied to. By television, by old books, by new ones, by music, by movies, by Coldplay, by my mother, by my friends , by society…

I had this distorted idea on what the oldest feeling in the book was supposed to feel like. Books described it as electrical, I found out it made your head hurt. Movies portrayed nights at the beach with bonfires and marshmallows and starlight and moonlight and small presents wrapped with desires. I found out it is the coffee in the morning, the smell of cookies , the sleepy eyes looking at you behind closed doors. The anger you get when you feel you’re not getting enough. The sadness when you see you have completely forgotten yourself, your needs, your plans, your goals. The terrifying realization you have become so altruistic that you can’t function anymore. Was it supposed to feel this way ? Why didn’t music describe it to me ? Why didn’t those singers say it made you feel like a parasite? Hell, it wasn’t even symbiotic. Took your self-worth and crashed it through a wall….

 And you get stuck with a simple sentence in your head: I am the problem. 
But that is not the truth. If it is what they say it is. If it’s what all those old, alcoholic writers say it is. That glorified feeling was supposed to end in a miserable way for it to keep being glorious. And I didn’t get that. And I don’t want that. Or, do I?

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